And with that I win America Bingo

RFK Jr. admitted to depositing a dead bear in Central Park, which nicely fills out the central row on my America Bingo card.

When Republican George Santos dressed up as a drag queen, I thought, “OK, it can’t get weirder than this.” But then Biden referred to Zelensky as Putin, and I thought, “you know, I could actually win this bingo thing.”

Did you have “Robert F. Kennedy Jr. admits to dumping a dead bear cub in Central Park”¹ on your America Bingo card? If you did, you’re in luck!

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. explained away this bizarre act by referring to the “little bit of the redneck” in him. RFK leaving a dead bear in Central Park was the last square I needed in the central row of my bingo sheet, which also included George Santos doing drag, Biden saying “We finally beat Medicare,” and SCOTUS ruling that presidents are effectively immune from criminal prosecution. To clinch the bingo win, I also had to use my free space: “America sends over a billion dollars to Israel, and Israel bombs at least five refugee camps.”

The only squares that I still haven’t filled out on the sheet are:

• A Ted Cruz–Matt Gaetz sex tape drops.

• Anthony Fauci says vaccines cause autism.

• During a full moon on the fall equinox, Mitch McConnell performs an ancient shamanic ritual that kills every other senator.

• Netanyahu says he will bomb America if it doesn’t give Israel more money; America obliges.

• Biden dies mid–press conference.

• Lauren Boebert calls Marjorie Taylor Greene a bitch on the House floor. (I got so close on this one! Greene called Boebert a bitch, but not the other way around.)

• Trump refers to Canadians as “nasty, worthless dogs.”

• Nancy Pelosi sucker punches Kevin McCarthy.

• Marjorie Taylor Greene says we must defeat Hamas because it’s “run by the Jews.”

• Elon Musk gets appointed secretary of labor.

• Kamala Harris becomes president and declares war on Australia.

Though unlikely, a blackout win is still possible. Trump calling Canadians “nasty, worthless dogs” seems more likely than not to occur within the year. And I really thought that Biden dying mid–press conference was far more likely than Trump getting shot and surviving.

How’s your America Bingo game going? Comment below!

1. Maybe the worm made him do it.